Listening is Not as Easy as it Sounds

​Rose was sent to me for coaching by the managing partner of an investment firm because a client had requested that Rose leave the deal team after a particularly contentious meeting. The business owner said Rose had not listened to him when he explained how he wanted his company presented to prospective buyers. 

When I met with Rose in my office, Rose claimed the business owner was stubborn and would not listen to what she had to say. I said I understood how owners who put their life’s work into a business needed an investment banker to have a particular set of listening tools to help them create a relationship that would help them have confidence that their deal team could represent them and their business brilliantly to prospective buyers. I reviewed with her 4 types of listening that will help anybody be effective having important conversations leading to valuable outcomes. 

• Reflective listening demonstrates empathy and understanding. The speaker feels heard which builds trust. 
  • It lowers any emotional tension because the speaker feels psychologically safe with the listener.
  • When you reflect back both the emotions and the meaning of what the speaker expressed, the speaker feels even more connected to the listener. 
  • This can deepen bonds which extend beyond this immediate conversation. 
• Curiosity-based listening. Curious questions signal genuine interest. 
  • Curiosity helps people feel respected and slows the pace of the conversation so people have time to think and feel relaxed.
  • This is particularly useful in high stakes conversations where one or both participants are anxious coming into the conversation.
• Listening for emotions before problem solving. Many conversations involve solving a problem. These conversations may involve two or perhaps several people.
  • Research shows that without dealing with the emotions first, problems will not be successfully resolved.
  • People who are anxious need emotional acknowledgment first before they engage in dialogue or can be receptive to advice.
• Listening for underlying needs.  Listening for needs first rather than a person’s position frequently reveals a common ground.
  • When a person feels that someone understands not just what they’re saying but what they’re needing, trust increases and tension tends to deescalate. 
  • If a participant is expressing strong emotions, it usually means they have an unmet need so asking questions like “What concerns you most?”, “What are you hoping for?”, or “What’s a good outcome for you?” will often reveal the person’s underlying need. 
  • This is much more productive than debating facts.

Rose was smiling as we finished discussing these four types of listening. She felt confident she could apologize to the business owner and demonstrate how she in fact did understand what made his business unique and together how they would collaborate in the marketing and positioning his business to prospective buyers.